I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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