Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
