Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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