I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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