I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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