dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
