Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
