fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
