I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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