You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
