Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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