This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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