I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
