I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
