Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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