I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
