did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
