He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
