glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
