I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
