Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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