Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
