party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
She announced her abortion via fbk
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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