I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
