I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
