Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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