I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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