I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
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