The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
BRING THE BAGELS
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
