it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
