Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
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