Ambien. No doubt about it.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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