why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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