So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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