I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Operation Purity has been aborted
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Everyone says I win the strip club
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
