I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
