matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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