i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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