hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
