There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
