and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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