Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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