Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
