Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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