Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
MIDGETS
????
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
