Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
