I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
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