everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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