I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
