Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
