A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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