My nipple is on Facebook.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
