If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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