I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
