Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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